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Things you must believe to be a modern Republican.
* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of
homosexuals and Hillary Clinton and feelings of
greatness for bad-mouthing Marthas, Elanore,
Harriet, Rosylyn, and Amy C. though mostly Geraldine.
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to
a spirit of international harmony.
* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own
body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions
affecting all mankind without regulation.
* The best way to improve military morale is to praise
the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits
and combat pay.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't
have sex.
* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
long-time allies,then demand their cooperation and money.
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy,
but providinghealth care to all Americans is socialism.
* HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests
of the public at heart, as do oil companies.
* Global warming is junk science, but creationism should
be taught in schools.
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachableoffense, but a president lying to enlist
support for a conflict in which no one attacks U.S. and
thousands die is solid defense policy.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named
in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages
and censoring the Internet.
* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle
trades, but George Bush's driving record, military
record, and drug offenses are no one's business.
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
(Rush Limbaugh once said on the air that all drug
addicts should be sentenced to life in prison or be
put to death. could always take helm of his statement
and lead by example; ya?)
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